We all have an inner critic who judges us harshly. Here are 7 habits that will help you face your inner critic and learn to love yourself unconditionally.
The word self-love gets tossed around casually, but very few people truly understand it’s importance.
When I was younger, I mistook arrogance, pride and narcissism to mean self-love turns out, it’s the complete opposite.
In simple terms, self-love is liking who you are as a human being and being kind to yourself because you are alive and treating yourself with the same respect as you would give to other forms of Life.
It means rather than becoming a bully to ourselves through self-criticism and judgment; we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding.
Although society has taught us to work harder, get toned, achieve more, self-love focuses on loving who you are even when you; suffer, make mistakes, feel overwhelmed, get angry or fail to meet the social standards of success.
Why You need self-love and compassion
Research shows that;
- Self-love and compassion lead to resilience when facing challenges.
- It leads to increased productivity even after failure.
- Loving and having compassion for yourself leads to decreased stress, unlike self-criticism, which activates the sympathetic nervous system and elevates stress.
- Self compassion leads to increased curiosity, learning, and exploration.
If Self love and compassion are important, then why do we find it hard to practice? Why is it easier to love our pets, children, friends even when we know they are not perfect than to love ourselves?
Maybe we think it’s selfish; after all, we were taught, “it’s better to give than to receive,” but shouldn’t we have something to give before we can give it?
Loving Others When You don’t love yourself
When we were kids, our parents taught us to be kind, polite, and generous.
While these are good virtues, they lead to anxiety and depression to people who neglect self-love and compassion.
When you are running short on self-love, you may;
- Have grown up feeling worthless and unlovable thanks to your narcissistic parents.
- Think you’re only as good as what you do for others.
- Feel painfully lonely.
- Self-medicate to numb the pain.
- Play the role of the martyr while habitually attempting to control others in loving you.
Is Self-love narcissistic?
Let’s not mistake self-love for narcissism.
Self-love is intrinsic and does not rely on comparison, achievements, approval, or any other forms of external validation to feel okay or good enough.
Narcissists, on the other hand, need and crave external validation, thrive on the comparison, are grandiose, and want everyone to think they are the real deal.
In short, self-love is an appreciation of yourself, while narcissism is proving you’re better than others.
Is Self- Love Selfish?
No, for the simple reason that you freely give what you already are or have. If you love yourself, you will find it easy to love others.
Consequently, when you love others without loving yourself, you will end playing the role of martyr, feel resentful, and depleted by those you give the love to.
In short, your attempts to love will be toxic because they have suffering and sorrow attached to them.
How to love yourself unconditionally
Forgiving Yourself
The first step to loving yourself is learning to forgive your mistakes.
Here are the three steps to follow;
First, Admit your mistake.
Second, state how you feel about the mistake and commit to finding out why you did it ( excuses such as I don’t know why I did it or someone made me do it don’t apply here) dig deeper until you find the real reason.
Third, how can you do better next time? Alternatively, ask; What needs my attention so that the mistake won’t occur again?
Here is a personal example;
I was on the phone with a friend; she was going out to have a good time, so I jokingly told her “do not have fun because I am stuck at home” on the other end of the line was silence, I laughed awkwardly and added am joking!
Was I joking? Honestly, I couldn’t tell, but I thought it was weird that I said that and admitted I shouldn’t have because I felt like shit about it.
Out of curiosity, I asked myself why I said that my first fake answer was that it is a joke, but the real answer was that I longed to have some time out of routine to have fun.
My friend triggered that longing, that’s what I need to fix. Now I can forgive myself, let this go, and focus on doing better.
Accept negative emotions as a natural part of Life
Nature has programmed us to avoid pain; unfortunately, this often includes negative emotions, Fear, anger, jealousy, envy, anxiety, loneliness, sadness.
Simply put, we treat our negative emotions like unwanted STD’S.
Learning to love yourself means having unconditional friendliness to all that arises within you, both negative and positive, because they are part of you and, therefore, part of Life.
When you feel anxious, your first instinct is avoidance and maybe desire to fix it, but if you feel the anxiety in your body, it’s almost like excitement and is not so bad.
You might be thinking; you expect us to live with anxiety? No, however, when you purposefully feel and accept your negative emotions, they lose their power, and love for yourself deepens.
Mirror Work
Stand naked in the mirror for 5 minutes every day for 21 Days. Stare at yourself in the eyes and watch what feelings and thoughts arise within you.
You’ll get a pretty good idea of how much you love yourself, if you’re like most people, you will like some parts of yourself while you judge and criticize others.
Ask yourself, if I unconditionally loved the person in the mirror, what would i say to her?
Then go ahead and say kind words to yourself. You can say things like;
- I am sorry to have abandoned you, am here now.
- I care about your suffering.
- It’s going to be okay.
- I am here for you.
- I accept you.
It’s okay to make up your own.
Coming home to yourself
Come home to yourself; there is no unconditional love “out there,” even your parents can’t love you unconditionally because we are all broken.
Where are you going to go to find unconditional love?
Within you, pay attention to yourself and become your own best friend.
How would you treat your best friend? Would you judge and criticize them? Or would you be kind, encouraging, and loving?
If you would be kind, then be that to yourself.
Coming home to Your Body
When I went into labor to have my daughter, I felt such excruciating pain that I wanted to jump out from my own body.
I just wanted out to run and leave my body behind; unfortunately, this is what most of us have done in small increments with our bodies.
We do this by rejecting pain; whenever you reject pain, you run away from your body.
Tara Burch asks in radical acceptance; Do you fully inhabit your body, or is it made up of things you use? Are you in your belly, or is it just for food, do you fill your feet or are they things you use to walk?
Sadly, for most of us, our bodies are made up of things we use like hands, legs, eyes but not entirely present in it, we are too busy thinking about the future and rehearsing the past.
Take up yoga and come home to your body. You will love yourself a lot more.
Affirm your inner child
We all have within us a child who never grew.
It’s the little you who gets scared, the one who throws a tantrum when Life doesn’t play according to your rules, the one that chooses to watch tv instead of finishing that project.
The child within us needs our attention and affirmation, or else she acts out and throws a tantrum; therefore, when you find yourself acting “childishly” affirm that inner child and check to see what she might need.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is an excellent tool for learning self-love.
Staying in the present moment will help you break the cycle of stories and judgments you have accumulated about yourself.
By being mindful, you can train your mind to ignore the inner critic and eventually learn to love yourself unconditionally.
Self-love and Self-compassion have the power to heal, give you the confidence to go after your dreams, make you a happier person, and change how you relate to others permanently.
I wish you well on your journey to self-love. If you have any questions or suggestions, please leave a comment.
“If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself, then you are not able to develop compassion for others.” – The Dalai Lama
Sending you good vibes,
Sania
Dailyzens.
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