Most people confuse love with dependency. This article covers the differences between love and codependency in relationships.
Marriage has been a high aspiration for most couples who fall in love; the end goal is eventually to get married and live happily ever after.
The increasing rate of divorce tells of a different story.
While some people have good reasons for divorce, such as those with abusive spouses, there are others with an unspoken story.
In this story, dependency takes the place of love; these kinds of relationships tend to be conditional and often include a love-hate silent agreement between partners.
Love when you meet my needs; hate when you “fail.”
Marriage Vows;
“I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you”.
What dependent people mean;
“I, ___, take thee, ___, to fulfill my needs (mental, social, emotional, financial, physical) from this day forward, for better, for worse, to take on the roles I have assigned to you.
If for whatever reason, you fail to fulfill these needs or refuse to take on the roles assigned to you, I will get angry, resentful, and attack you.
Therefore, I pledge myself not to you as an individual but to the needs you will fulfill and to the role, I have assigned for you to fill.
By the way, till death do us part is dependent on your ability to meet the above.”
How can you tell if you are equating love with dependency?
Ask yourself these questions;
- Will I continue to love and respect my partner if he/she lost his job, or will I become angry and resentful?
- Do I sometimes hate my partner and love them at other times?
- If my husband told me he wants to start a career as a dancer, will that affect our marriage?
- Do I get angry at my partner when he does not meet my expectations and ‘needs’?
- When my partner says something that hurts me, do I feel the need to hurt them back?
The answers should help you decide the kind of relationship you have.
Defining co-dependency on marriage
Co-dependency shows up in most relationships as the conditions you set for your partner to meet for you to love and care for them.
Traditionally the marriage structure was designed to be dependent. But this was necessary to ensure survival in an environment that was physically threatening.
Our ancestors were more concerned about increasing their chances of survival than with who their partner was as a human being.
It was easier to defend against physical danger, find water, food, and shelter with a partner who could meet your needs than to do it alone.
Survival has long ceased to be a threat to most people, and yet people are still using each other for sex, status, money, career ambitions.
It, not only the physical benefits we use each other emotionally; to feel superior, appear to be a martyr or to feel needed.
The problem with dependency
The problem with dependency is that you come into a relationship with a need you “cannot” fulfill on your own.
You end up using the relationship and manipulating your partner to get them to meet your needs.
When you marry someone to satisfy your financial needs, for example, it is not the partner you are in a relationship with but the money.
I recently ran into a couple that was previously happily married; They were continually attacking each other.
For a moment they looked like enemies, the man had failed to keep his end of the bargain; meeting the financial needs that his wife.
Dependent relationships are also hard to leave even when they become abusive because you get hooked to the need you desperately want to fulfill.
After all, you are in love with the money, not the person, and you excuse their poor behavior because you are still getting your needs met.
You would leave sooner if the money ran out that you would if he treated poorly.
Anger
Have you ever paid attention to the thought process that goes into your mind when you are angry at your partner?
The cause of the anger in different forms is because your partner didn’t meet the expectations you set for him.
Love
Love, on the other hand, springs from a place of wholeness, where each partner can meet their own needs.
They choose to be together to share their wholeness.
Partners who truly love each other appreciate the significant other despite their flaws. They respect and support each other; small failures and benefits do not shake the relationship.
People who love each other feel good spending time together. Each partner also knows that if the relationship failed to work out, they would still be okay.
While love is a partnership between equals, dependency thrives on the potential benefits one may get from the relationship.
Learning the differences between love and co-dependency can potentially improve the relationship. Change can be hard at first for partners but if both of them are willing each can free the other from conditional love.
A sense of freedom and authenticity creates an environment for both partners to grow and thrive.
I would love to hear your thoughts on the differences between love and co-dependency as well as your experiences.
With love,
Dailyzens.
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