If we learn how to overcome negative emotions in our daily lives, we will leave more room in our lives for creativity, happiness, and good relationships. Here are a few tips you can implement today.
The hardest part about being a parent to a 3-year-old is managing my own negative emotions and teaching my daughter about hers.
It’s so much easier to be patient and kind to her when I feel good even when she throws a tantrum every other hour.
Unfortunately, I am not always at my best; some days, I get plagued with Negativity that I must dig deeper within myself for the courage to remain patient and understanding.
However, when I consciously decide to pull myself out of Negativity on my bad days, I am a better mother and find it easier to motivate myself to get things done.
In this article, I will share with you a few tips I find helpful to pull myself out of negative emotions.
A Word of Caution
Please keep in mind that negative emotions are not bad or good; they are part of life.
Additionally, negative emotions can be useful; they point us to vital areas in our lives that need attention, whether in work, relationships, or health.
Sadly, we don’t always use them as cues to pay attention to what they signal.
Instead, we treat negative emotions like STDs that must be avoided at all costs; this, in turn, affects both our physical and mental health as well as relationships.
The more we try to avoid negative emotions, the more addicted we become to them. In the words of Carl Jung, ‘What you Resist Persists”.
Another mistake I see people make is; they try to jump right from Negativity to positive thoughts; when this fails, they get frustrated and become even more negative than they were previously.
How Negativity Sneaks Out on You
Imagine you set the alarm to wake up at 5:00 am, when the alarm goes off, you hit the snooze button.
At 8:00 am you jump out of bed, realizing you are late, you jump into the shower.
While taking a shower, you mentally scold yourself for not waking up when the alarm went off, you dress up pissed at yourself, the self-criticism happens in the background.
Unaware of your emotions, you begin your commute, on your way there is traffic, a guy cuts you off in traffic.
“What an a**!” You think to yourself.
You finally get to work late, rushing to the pantry, you make a cup of coffee.
Then proceed to your desk, as you place your laptop down, you forget about the coffee.
Your elbow knocks the cup over, and the coffee spills on your laptop.
By now, your thinking; I am having a terrible day! Do you see the trajectory for the rest of the day?
Negativity does not announce itself; it sneaks up on you as an accumulation of small irritations that happen without your conscious attention throughout the day.
Consequently, when the irritations and Negativity go unchecked, they spill over the following day, week, or even months.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to spill over the next day! Here are a few Practical Tips to help you overcome Negativity.
The Only Thing You Are Dealing with Is Thought
All negative emotions are just thoughts; nothing more and thoughts can be changed.
“I hate myself for hitting the snooze button; I never stick to my goals,” says one person who hit the snooze button.
“Wow! I hit the snooze button again; my body probably needs more sleep; I guess if I really want to wake up early tomorrow, I could go to bed earlier.” says another who also hit the snooze button.
As you can see, the same problem, different ways of thinking about it.
One produces negative emotions; the other is neutral and focuses on what she might do better.
Therefore, to overcome Negativity, forego blaming, and criticism for solution-related thoughts.
The Pause
Whenever you become consciously aware that you are in a trance of negativity(irritable, anxious, angry), stop whatever you are doing and pause for at least 2-5 minutes.
I first learned the power of pausing from Tara Burch in her book Radical Acceptance.
Here is how it works:
- Your partner says something hurtful, and you want to strike back; instead of striking back, you pause for a few minutes before you respond!
- Life is not going according to plan, and you’re tempted to fix it, instead of rushing to find a solution you pause!
- You feel stressed out; in default, you rush to the pantry for another sugary treat; as soon as you become conscious of what you’re doing, pause!
The pause gives you the chance to pay attention to your emotions for a few minutes, do a quick body scan feel them as they come and go.
Additionally, notice the thoughts that accompany the feelings, and then get back to the activity.
The goal of the pause is not to change your emotions but to bring attention to your inner wisdom and give you time to respond instead of reacting unconsciously.
The pause also stops the Negativity from escalating.
Friendliness and Acceptance
During the pause, it’s essential to make friends with the negative emotions rising within you.
You can mentally say to yourself; I see you guilt; I see you fear, I see you resentment, I care that you are rising within me, and I accept you.
Showing friendliness to our negative emotions almost instantly reduces their power over us.
Experience has taught me that negativity just also wants to be accepted by the one it visits.
Fortunately, once you accept the negative emotions within yourself, they move from negative to neutral.
When you feel neutral, you can respond better.
4-7-8 Breathing Technique
Dr. Andrew Weil’s 4-7-8 breathing technique can help reduce mild anxiety, cravings, anger responses, and irritability in two minutes.
Additionally, if you are struggling to sleep, try the technique.
To use the 4-7-8 technique, focus on the following breathing pattern:
- Empty the lungs of air
- Breathe in quietly through the nose for 4 seconds
- Hold the breath for a count of 7 seconds
- Exhale forcefully through the mouth, pursing the lips and making a “whoosh” sound, for 8 seconds
- Repeat the cycle up to 4 times
Here is a video to take you through the technique.
Unquestioned Thoughts Produce Pain
Have you ever taken the time to question your thoughts? Most of us haven’t, yet we take them to be true without question.
The guy who cuts you off in traffic might be rushing to take his pregnant wife to the hospital.
That friend who didn’t pick might have left her phone upstairs. Maybe your husband can’t read your mind if you don’t tell him what you want.
According to Katie Byron, whenever we feel negative, we shouldn’t simply assume what we feel represents all the facts.
Instead, she suggests that we should question our thoughts by asking four questions:
- Is it true?
- Can I be sure that it’s true?
- How do I behave when I believe this thought?
- Who would be without this thought?
She demonstrates how to use the four questions in this video.
Although the video is two hours long, it’s worth it even if you watch 20 minutes of it.
Questioning your thoughts, especially the negative and digging deeper within to find out if they are accurate will bring you profound wisdom and pull you out of the negativity.
Alternatively, you can get her book here.
Closing Thoughts
The tips I have given are helpful most of the time; however, there might be occasions when you are so deep in the trance of negative emotions that no quick technique can help you out.
On such occasions, please find help or someone to talk to.
Additionally, I have come to believe that the way society conditions us, makes it natural for us to be more negative than positive.
Does Our Childhood Give Us An Incentive To Be Miserable?
Most children receive love attention from their parents when they are either ill or hurt. Unfortunately, when they are happy, joyful, excited, and playful, parents ask them to lower their voices and calm down.
The message they receive, misery, and sickness get me attention.
I am not suggesting we ignore our kids when they are ill or hurt but that we should try to remain attentive and encouraging when they are happy and excited.
Sometimes We Just Refuse To Be Happy
Imagine you argue with your partner, in the middle of the fight, your boss or mentor calls.
When you pick up the phone, do you maintain your angry tone? Or do you put on your best smile?
Most people would put on their best smiles. If we can do this in an instant with someone we respect, why can’t we do the same for ourselves?
Fear Of Feeling Good
Yes, fear of feeling good is a thing; some people believe that when things are going well in their lives, something terrible is about to happen.
If you are afraid of feeling good, you might be sabotaging your happiness, and a single blog post won’t be helpful to you; look for a trained therapist.
It will be an honor to answer your questions in the comment section.
With lots of love,
Sania
Dailyzens.
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