Having a strong sense of self and building boundaries go hand in hand. This article covers the most effective way to set and build healthy boundaries for codependents, enneagram twos, empaths, and highly sensitive people.
Photo by @chadknight
I continuously struggle to set and enforce healthy boundaries.
So, When I first came across Brene Brown’s work, I was shocked to find that the most compassionate people have the strongest boundaries (shocked because I considered myself “compassionate”).
In her book Rising Strong, She says, “The most compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
“How is it possible to have boundaries and still be compassionate?” I asked myself, It took me a while, but I get it now.
You can’t build healthy boundaries without first building a strong sense of self, people who don’t have a sense of self are unaware of what they need and tend to say yes when they mean no.
How do you build a sense of self? You start by tuning in and listening to your pain, emotions, and needs.
Once I tuned in, I was finally able to understand why, without boundaries, I felt emotionally exhausted, anxious, angry, and resentful.
If you are like me, you tend to sacrifice your own needs to meet the needs of other people.
Additionally, you may be too concerned with the thoughts, feelings, and actions of other people that you naturally end up ignoring your values, needs, feelings, and sense of self.
Why Is it Important To Set Boundaries?
According to Psycentral, setting healthy boundaries is the key to ensuring relationships are mutually respectful, supportive, and caring.
On the other hand, a lack of boundaries leaves you vulnerable to exploitation and likely to be taken for granted or even abused by others.
Additionally, it’s important to note that a lack of boundaries is a symptom of codependency which is why you have first to stop being needy and seeking fulfillment outside yourself.
In this article, you will learn how to tune in to your feelings, identify your needs, develop your sense of self, and let other people be themselves.
Lastly, you will learn how to set and build healthy boundaries as a natural outcome of a strong sense of self.
How do you know you are Codependent or Lack Boundaries?
You know you are codependent or have problems setting boundaries if the following resonates with you.
- You always seek approval, or you are a people pleaser.
- You are afraid of being alone or abandoned.
- Feel selfish or guilty for saying NO.
- Feel like no matter what you do, it is never good enough.
- You get irritable when others don’t take your advice.
- You diminish yourself to lift others.
- You are everyone’s “go-to” person.
- Always get caught in other people’s drama.
- Try to save, rescue, or fix others even when it costs you peace of mind.
- Try to control others by giving ultimatums or nagging.
- You endure toxic relationships to avoid loneliness.
- You give, then get angry.
- Have an addict, abuser, or narcissist in your life.
What Causes Co-dependency and a Lack of Boundaries?
The tendency to become codependent and set poor boundaries starts in childhood.
If you grew up in a household where your caregivers ignored or punished your emotions, you might end up believing your needs are not worth attending to, so you ignore them and focus on others.
The problem with this is that it builds resentment and leaves no one home to take care of you.
Use these 9 Tips first to develop a sense of self and start the process of setting and building healthy boundaries.
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Step Away
When you lack boundaries, you get so meshed in other people’s business that you can hardly tell where they end and where you begin.
You may obsess about your friend’s problems, excessively worry about what strangers think of you, get involved in other people’s drama or get too concerned about other’s people’s moods.
If that sounds like you it’s time to take the first step to your independence and step away.
Seriously put a pause to the obsessing and worrying.
By now, you’ve already depleted your energy, worrying, trying to please, trying to prove you’re good enough. It is exhausting.
Step away and relax!
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Stop Reacting to Drama
In college, I fell hard for a guy who barely cared about me. Once, I went to his house and found another woman’s clothes in his bedroom, did I leave?
No, instead, I reacted, as I usually do, dramatically, yelling, screaming, kicking with fury, and said things I didn’t mean like, “I can’t tolerate this!”
And guess what, I stayed and tolerated, reacting crying and begging him to change unfortunately none of it worked.
Yes, I know It’s normal to react to things that are happening in your environment, but if you lack boundaries, you tend to overreact but never act.
Stop reacting and jumping to every emotion and impulse that comes.
Instead, learn to take a step back, pause, and think about your responses. It’s your life, so take back control of your responses and act in your best interest.
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Stop Forcing People to Change
Sometimes we fail to set clear boundaries because we believe we have to help other people change.
Unfortunately, we can’t; people change when they are ready. Therefore stop controlling, manipulating, nagging, and lecturing.
Besides, no one likes being told what to do, not even two-year-olds. Trust that the people in your life know what is best for them and let go.
Take care of yourself and let other people be.
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Stop Playing Victim
When you have poor boundaries or are codependent, you tend to say yes when you mean no.
And you might even believe it’s to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, but who stays home to take care of your emotions?
A friend asks for a favor, you say yes, and then overwork yourself, later you get angry at the friend for something you chose to do.
Eventually, you become resentful and forget you could have said No instead of agreeing to do things you do not want to do.
Learn to pay attention to how you feel, say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes.
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Stop Looking Outside and Look Within
People who have poor boundaries put their focus outside themselves.
We hope people will like us, but we never ask if we like them, and as Melody Beattie says in her book Codependent No More, “we think the magic is in other people, not us.”
Spend time looking within yourself, you can begin with any of these meditation techniques.
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Make Friends with Your Inner Child
Most boundary problems start in childhood, especially for people who are co-dependent or have enneagram two personality traits.
So make friends with your inner child.
What does your inner child need from you? Did your parents make you feel like your needs and emotions mattered?
If they didn’t, then you might have to parent your inner child, you could get started with these self-discovery prompts.
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Get a Life
What makes you happy? What dreams have you put on hold either out of fear of rejection or to protect other people’s feelings?
Pay attention to your emotions, to what makes you laugh and do more of that, work towards your dreams, and begin setting goals to achieve them.
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Fall In Love With Yourself
When was the last time you looked in the mirror, and you said, “I love and care about you” to yourself?
If you are like most people, it has been a while.
You have abandoned yourself for so long that you have no idea how you feel, and that is okay.
Begin now to say and do nice things for yourself and speak kindly to yourself, Kamal Ravikant’s Love Yourself, like your life depends on it is an excellent start.
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Acceptance
Your life up until now may have been lived for others; they may have dictated how you feel about yourself, what career you have, you may have been lied to, your life may be filled with the chaos of other people’s drama.
If you can still accept yourself and your past, you can begin to move forward.
They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, accept where you are now and start making the first step to your independence.
How To Set and Build Healthy Boundaries
Once you have a good sense of self, building boundaries becomes easy. Here are a few ways to set and build healthy boundaries.
- Be assertive and communicate your needs clearly and directly..
- Permit yourself to say no without an explanation or emotional labor.
- Learn to seek and ask for support when you need it.
- Use your feelings to define your limits, when you feel resentful, you’re probably giving more than you can.
- Safeguard and preserve your time, energy, and space.
- Trust your inner voice.
Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care.
You set them to nurture and protect yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally and you end up a more loving and compassionate person because of it.
When did you realize you needed some boundaries?
With Love,
Sania.
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