We are all guilty of worrying about what other people think. Here are a few tips to help you stop caring about what other people think if it’s starting to affect how you live your life.
As children, we depend on others for all our needs, including approval and a sense of self-worth.
If a mother tells her toddler, “you’re worthless,” the child can’t say “who cares what my mother thinks, I know I am valuable.”
The child simply believes the mother and concludes she is worthless.
Surprisingly, even as adults, the habit of depending on others for approval remains; we got sophisticated in how we seek it.
In conversations, we casually throw in how well our company is doing, we inflate how much money we are making, we buy luxury cars, and post filtered lives on social media.
Let me be the first to admit that I am a recovering approval seeker and a people pleaser.
When someone looked at me disapprovingly, I would instantly feel inadequate!
If a negative rumor spread about me, I spent days feeling down about it; then, I would proceed to look for allies by telling them the story while defending myself.
The wise thing would have been to let it go and go on with my life.
The worst part of it all was that it turned me into a liar with false humility, pretending I was “protecting people’s feelings.”
In simple terms, I was like a desperately needy child saying, please pick me, like me!
What a way to live!
Behind that approval-seeking and people-pleasing, I was looking for love, and once I got that, I began the journey back to my authentic self.
I’ll share with you how I did it but first ask yourself.
- How do you feel when someone disapproves of you, do you feel inadequate?
- Are you easily offended by negative comments, and do you feel defensive?
- Have you become an actor or actress in your own life, smiling when you don’t want to, saying you feel okay when you are dying inside?
- Do you interrupt people’s conversations before they finish a sentence as if to say, “wait! I have something clever to say”, so they can see how wise and smart you are?
- Do you feel guilty for saying No?
- Are you desperately checking your phone to see how many likes you got on that picture?
- Do you lie to “protect people’s feelings”?
- Or maybe you settle and do what makes another person happy even when it makes you miserable?
The list goes on, but you can see where I am going.
Here are a few practical tips to help you stop caring about what people think of you.
Opinions Are Not for Facts
Facts are true; no one can dispute them.
Gravity, for example, is a fact; every person on the planet follows the law of gravity, whether they like it or not.
Electricity is a fact, the earth rotating around the sun is a fact; your value as a human being is a fact.
Thoughts, on the other hand, are not. They represent random suggestions about life in our minds to help us make meaning out of our experiences (on average, we think 50,000 thoughts a day).
Why should you lose peace if you’re just one of the 50,000 opinions a person has all day?
Have you also noticed that two people can watch the same movie, one person comes out crying, saying it’s the best movie she has watched in a long time while another says she didn’t like the film?
It’s still the same movie with two people experiencing it differently.
Similarly, some people will like you while others will not; that is just the way life goes.
Therefore, worrying about what people think is a losing game, you could be the best human being in the world, and someone will still disapprove of you.
It’s Not About You
Newborns are not judgmental; they don’t look at you and say, I think you should lose some of the weight.
As we grow, we learn to form judgments about the world based on our environment and upbringing.
Because we had different experiences growing up, our view of life is different.
Most of the time, when someone does not like you, you remind them of someone in their past or something about themselves they don’t like.
If someone is envious of your success, it’s because you remind them of the dreams they neglected.
So, don’t take people’s opinions about you personally, it is always about them, not you.
You can’t change other people’s opinions
It’s impossible to pull a thought from someone’s mind. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, just like you are entitled to yours.
You may take your chances to persuade everyone to see you favorably by acting, pretending, and manipulating them, but it is also a losing game.
Eventually, you will get exhausted with the acting.
Alternatively, you can just keep things simple by accepting the fact that everyone has their opinion and live your life.
Whose Opinion Matters?
Letting go of what people think of you does not stop with strangers; it applies to the people close to you as well.
It’s tempting to think you need approval from your Mum, Dad, kids, spouse, spiritual leader, but the truth you don’t.
The most important person in your life is you; if you betray yourself in favor of approval from other people, you will end up feeling anxious and resentful in your close relationships.
Let Go of Self- Judgment
The opinion you have about yourself plays a role in your need for approval.
If you are negative, self-critical, harsh, and unkind to yourself, you become a magnet for negative Nancys and attract people who are critical of you.
Building a good opinion of yourself is the most durable shield you can have against people’s opinions.
Learn to love and treat yourself with kindness. Here is the best book on turning self-criticism into self-compassion, you’ll find it helpful is you are self-critical.
Learn to have your own back, hold your hand through mistakes, pain, loneliness, fear, and, despite all the cringe-worthy things you do, commit to accepting yourself unconditionally.
10 Minute Meditation Practice
Here is a meditation practice you can use if you have a person in your life whose approval means a lot to you.
- Seat in a comfortable position spine erect and body relaxed.
- Breathe deeply in and out, paying attention to your breath for two minutes.
- Recall a person you need approval from.
- Ask the following questions while staying mindful of how you feel.
- What do I want from this person? Be still wait for an answer to see how that makes you feel.
- What have I been doing to manipulate getting it? Feel the emotions you felt while manipulating for approval.
- How did I want that person to see me?
- Did you lie? Be specific
- What did I like about the experience?
- What didn’t I like about seeking approval? Feel the emotions that arise.
- How would I act if I was not manipulating the person into liking me?
Once you visualize how you would act if you were not trying to manipulate the person, hold on to that idea, and act as you envisioned next time you meet.
If you can be honest in the answers to the questions, you will be surprised at how quickly you’ll stop caring what that person thinks about you.
Let People Be Wrong About you
It is okay for people to be wrong about you; it’s part of life because everyone is living in their dream.
Start looking forward to people thinking you are stupid, ugly, mean, fat, a loser if you don’t agree with them, and you focus on growing as a person; you’ll be okay.
Occasionally, you might get a compliment, and it will feel good, but don’t turn it into something you need to be happy.
Most importantly, let it be okay for people to be wrong about you and learn to do what makes you happy regardless of the outcome in opinion.
Apologize without an explanation
Learn to apologize without explaining. If you’re late, learn to simply say, “I am sorry I am late” and restrain from adding an explanation to justify yourself.
You can say no by merely saying, “I love you and No,” or “I am sorry, I can’t do that.”
And watch how good that feels.
Closing Thoughts
Remember, not everyone who has an opinion about you should be ignored.
If someone complains about a product you sell, instead of justifying or defending yourself, tell them you’ll investigate that.
Then, take time to reflect if it has any truth, and remember it has nothing to do with your worth as a person.
Additionally, you will find it helpful to have a clear vision of what you want out of life, when I am busy pursuing my dreams and giving them all I have, I hardly think about getting approval.
Practice any of the tips, and I am confident that you will stop caring about what people think of you. If you have any questions, feel free to comment below.
Sending Love and Light,
Sania
Dailyzens.
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