Intellectualization is a defense mechanism we use to avoid painful emotions by using reason, logic to downplay their significance. Sadly, most of us don’t realize how often we intellectualize and how much pain we still carry. This post sheds light on the difference between intellectualizing vs. healing painful emotions.
Standing face to face with a spiritual teacher (who is also a stranger to me), in front of a crowd of at least a hundred people, I break down and sob hysterically.
I want to stop myself because I feel embarrassed about the emotional breakdown and ruined eyeliner, but for some reason, I keep crying.
Memories of years of criticism, anger, rage, and betrayal come back to me all at once, still fresh, raw, and painful!
How is it that I had no idea how much pain I was in? And yet, I was up to date with the latest political news and celebrity gossip?
With so many distractions available, I can see why not just me, but anyone can become oblivious to their pain.
In this article, I want to teach you how to heal from painful experiences so that you do not get distracted by intellectualizing your story.
Intellectualizing Emotions and Pain Vs. Healing
Mark Manson recently referenced a study in his Mindf*ck Monday newsletter.
In the study, two researchers followed a group of ethics professors for several years, tracking how ethical they behaved in their day to day life.
Astonishingly, despite the decades these professors had spent studying ethical behavior, they did not behave any better than the average person.
In short, they behaved just like you and me! Uhm, yes, I know some of you might even behave better 😊.
Anyway, what does this have to do with emotional pain and trauma?
Well, most of us are like the professors; we tell stories about our pain, talk about it with therapists and coaches, journal about it, study and read books that validate it.
We might even get insight into why we have the same emotional patterns as our parents did, but, the emotional patterns remain.
In short, we don’t change.
I often wondered, I promised not to criticize my child because I was constantly criticized, and yet I find myself doing the same thing.
Why? Because I am just like the professors, I have studied my pain, but I haven’t felt it, and so I haven’t healed.
Why We Intellectualize Emotions Instead Of Feeling
First, I’ll explain how and why we intellectualize emotions and how the unprocessed pain shows up in our lives.
Let’s start with an example; If someone asks, “how are you”? What is your response?
Most people give vague, intellectual responses, such as “I am fine,” “I’ll live,” “I am upset,” or “I am stressed.”
It’s rare to hear an adult answer out loud; “I am scared,” “I don’t know what am doing,” “I am hurting,” or “I am angry”?
Why is that? Do our feelings magically disappear as we hit adulthood?
Of course, not.
However, when the adults in our lives are oblivious to their pain, they frown upon our negative emotions and teach us to hide our own.
As we become teenagers, we learn not only to hide our emotions but to intellectualize and avoid pain altogether.
We then think to ourselves, problem solved!
“The problem is that emotional pain cannot be solved; it can only be felt.”
Moreover, according to the counseling center, “When you intellectualize your pain, you’re saying, “Hey mind, you’re wrong. You should not be feeling this. Look at the facts.”
Where do the facts send us? Away from feeling the ache in our hearts and into our heads.
Dangers Of Intellectualizing Emotional Pain
If you listen to yourself when you use the terms “stressed,” “upset,” and “worried,” you’ll find that they sound dull and mechanical.
Why is that?
According to Nick Wignall, these terms sound dull because they obscure instead of clarifying how you feel.
Let’s suppose your boss criticizes your work; you might feel hurt, angry, or disappointed, which is perfectly normal.
However, feeling these emotions is overwhelming, and because you’ve spent decades intellectualizing them, you find it easier to say, “I am upset.”
The problem with this is that you remove yourself from your true feelings. If done repetitively, it becomes a habit, and you begin falling out of touch with your emotions.
Eventually, the lack of emotional clarity shows up as panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and conflict in your relationships.
The Adult Thing To Do, Therapy and Coaches
What happens in therapy? “We talk and talk some more.”
“We analyze our childhood, “cause” of behaviors, and come up with a plan not to make the same mistakes again.”
While therapy is good, we should be careful not to hook ourselves on an endless cycle of talking facts about our pain that we forget to honor its significance in our hearts.
Sadly, many therapists and coaches encourage the need to intellectualize hence making it feel like we are making progress even when we are not.
Consequently, talking feels easier than crying, just as saying “I am upset” is easier than saying, “I am hurt”.
After all, aren’t we adults?
But maybe the adult thing to do is to make room for our pain, to feel the sharp ache rush through our hearts. And give room for our children to do the same.
Perhaps therapists and coaches should just hold the space for us while we do the work.
Instead of making plans to avoid the mistakes our parents made, we can be still and listen to what our inner child needs.
Or even better put away our modern distractions and ask: “How am I feeling right now?” And let the answer spring out of the heart, not the head.
How to Stop Intellectualizing Your Emotions
So, how do you move from intellectualizing your emotions to healing? The simple answer, move towards the pain and sit with it.
Consequently, you can begin with techniques like yoga, therapy, coaching, neuroplasticity, and tapping.
Ultimately, you want to be able to transcend techniques and be a real human being.
To be human is to accept the burden of living voluntarily, the ugly pain as well as the joy.
With that said, here are a few action steps to you can take begin the journey from the head to the heart.
- Acceptance
Intellect is a good thing, it can make us feel wise and secure, so when you need to, use it.
However, keep in mind that you also a vulnerable and emotional creature.
You will love but also hate, feel strong but also get scared, live but also die.
And so, learn to tolerate and accept vulnerability even when it feels childish.
- Responsibility and Awareness
Pay attention to how you feel on a moment to moment basis. When anger rises within, take a mental note of it and what triggered it.
Taking mental notes will help you move from generalized terms like “upset” to specific emotions like “anger.”
- Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the opposite of intellectualizing because it allows all your emotions to exist without judgment.
Any form of nonjudgmental awareness eventually leads to the realization that your feelings will not sabotage your life, the past is gone and has no hold on you and that you are safe and strong enough to feel everything and live.
If you liked this article on intellectualizing emotions vs. healing, you need to check out our free self-care Journal below.
It’s the best solution around for those who feel overwhelmed, want to get enough clarity, and master their emotions.
If you have any questions or suggestions, please leave a comment below.
Cheers,
Sania.
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