Trying to be a good person will inevitably lead you to fail and suffer guilt, shame, and fear. Here is why you should stop trying to be a good person and instead strive to be whole.
“Only something as insane as human beings would ever ask themselves if ‘I’m good.’ You don’t find oak trees having an existential crisis. ‘I feel so rotten about myself. I don’t produce as many acorns as the one next to me.’” ~Adyashanti
The phrase, “I am a good person” makes me cringe every time I hear it. My reaction may puzzle you, so allow me to explain.
When I hear a person claim to be a “good person,” I often wonder, “how did you become good?
The most common answer to this, whether they know it or not is, by comparison.
How we get trapped in comparison
When you look around, there seems to be something wrong with the world and everyone you see.
It doesn’t matter how awesome they seem to be at the beginning when you get to know them better; you realize there is something wrong with them too. If you are married, you know this to be true.
The reason why we see something wrong with everyone is that our brains are hardwired to seek out the negative.
Our ancestors needed to seek out the negative to detect predators and protect themselves against threats.
We watch negative news more often than positive; we find ourselves dwelling on the mistakes more than good experiences, which is also why you forget all the good qualities of a friend as soon as they make a mistake.
How we deceive ourselves
What does this all have to do with being a good person?
For starters, because we are already biased to seek out the negative more often in others than ourselves, it’s easy to fool ourselves and say, am a good person.
If you are already hardwired to seek out the mistakes in others, it is natural that you will start to believe that you are the only “good” person left.
It’s what happens when you gossip or speak negatively about a friend. Whether we realize or not, we are actively bargaining for goodness using comparison.
When you indulge in gossip, you are saying look, this person is wrong, and I am right, which translates to, look at me! I am such a good person.
Why you should Stop Trying to Be Good
There is nothing wrong with being a good person per se, the problem is that our attachment to being good keeps us from accepting parts of ourselves and therefore keeps us from growing and becoming whole.
All areas of our environment have their versions of good; religion, society, culture, spouses, your parents.
Depending on which one you belong to, you will be conflicted over your thoughts and emotions depending on the versions of a good person passed on to you by the society or culture you belong to.
I felt trapped for a long time; I was taught by religion that I should not feel envy, jealousy, strive, so when I felt these emotions instead of curiosity about them, I shut them off.
Some thoughts were okay to think, while others were not, some feelings okay to feel while others were not. What I created within me was inner conflict and anxiety.
When I lied to someone, instead of investigating why I lied, I shut that part of me down and I remained with unexplained guilt and defensiveness.
If no one else has, let me be the first to give you permission, to stop trying to be good, nice, perfect; why because you will remain conflicted within yourself, there is no good without its shadow and no right without wrong.
What you should strive for.
Strive to be whole! Good Ideals and good character are there to inspire us to reach higher and overcome our lower selves, but not to chain us to the idea of goodness to a point of guilt and self-abandonment.
You can be enough, learn, and grow without being right or wrong, a good or awful person.
Here are a few ways to move towards wholeness:
Instead of Guilt Practice Forgiveness
Most people regard me as kind and polite; however, there are times when I feel overwhelmed, and I become unbearable. I know there are parts of me that need healing, so when I feel pressure on the outside, they come out.
If you meet me on a day when I am unbearable, your opinion of me will not be favorable, but that does not make me an asshole. Neither do the days when I feel good enough to be kind make me a good person, I simply feel good and that makes me kind.
Most people are just broken, with parts of themselves working in conflict.
Knowing this does not excuse the behavior, but it frees you from guilt because when you make a mistake, you can quickly forgive yourself and focus on healing and learning from your mistakes.
Self-Acceptance Vs. Abandonment
The laws of society would have believed you have to meet specific standards to be acceptable; the traits might include; beauty, wealth, fame, and so on.
Some parents, unfortunately, also have a criterion for their kids to meet if they’re to be loved. You might even have a list of conditions for your spouse to meet before you can like him. That is all well and good.
BUT when it comes to yourself, there MUST BE NO criteria for you to meet to accept yourself. Accept yourself when your sad, angry, hateful, loving, beautiful, or ugly.
You don’t have to love everything about yourself, but you must always accept it. That is the only path to wholeness.
Admit Mistakes Instead of Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a sign that you are stuck in the hustle of either being a good person or being right.
Either way, if you have to hustle to defend your goodness or rightness then it is probably not worth keeping.
Remind yourself that you do not want whatever needs defending. Wholeness requires that you willingly accept mistakes because you are more interested in growth than appearances.
Practice Non-Judgment
We are quick to jump to conclusions about everything, but the truth is we never see the whole picture.
We often trust in the voice in our heads, but how many times has that voice been wrong? Yet we walk around behaving as if our opinions are facts.
The practice of non-judgment means that you always seek to understand first before you make any conclusions.
As a rule, whenever you make a mistake, or perhaps you are dealing with difficult emotions, before you judge these emotions, make a point first to understand why you are feeling that way.
Consequently, when you make a mistake before you pass any judgment, make it a point to understand why you made a mistake.
You might have to journal or talk to a trusted friend. Seeking to understand first before you judge will move you closer to wholeness.
I firmly believe that every human being has both good qualities and weaknesses and that we should all have more compassion for ourselves and release our investment in judging ourselves as good or awful, worthy, or unworthy.
Remember, even a rose has thorns.
May we all strive to become whole!
Have you ever noticed yourself defend your niceness? I would love to hear your story in the comment section.
Love and Light,
Sania
Dailyzens.
Leave a Reply