The past can keep us trapped, preventing us from moving on in a balanced and happier way. We give you tips to let go of the past and painful experiences.
I will be celebrating my birthday in a few days, like every other year; I use this time to reflect on my past, present, and the future I would like to see.
As I check my journal for the year, I see a few experiences in my past that my body stiffens and revolts by merely reading about them, hurts I have not worked on healing, that still affects how I live my life in the present.
I am ready to start moving forward if you are reading this; I hope you are too.
We put together a few practical tools that you might find helpful in letting go of painful experiences.
Let’s first start at the beginning;
The Beginning
We were raised by imperfect adults. Naturally, things went wrong, but we soldiered on, learning to cope and adapt.
Problems start when some of our coping mechanisms and deep wounds get in the way of living a happy and balanced adult life.
After all, we are no longer children, and our environment might have changed significantly, yet our 30-year-old self still holds on to the coping mechanisms of a 10-year-old.
I have heard people say, “you should just get over it” or; “stop making excuses” for your behavior.
While it might be true that we often make excuses for our behavior, it is also a fact that we are all greatly affected by our past, and for some, it’s not as easy as “getting over it.”
The past is familiar, forms our identity, and by holding on to our stories, we feel confident that we won’t be hurt again.
Letting go of the past means letting go of the stories that are so familiar and stepping into the unknown, and who knows, dangerous things could be lurking there and worse, you could potentially get hurt.
Here are a few of mine;
- As a child, the adults around me conveyed the impression that sex was something terrible and disgusting; it produced inner conflict about sex.
- Two girls I considered close friends spread rumors that were not true about me, it hurt, and I felt betrayed, to this day; I keep people at a distance until I can trust them.
- As a child, older cousins often bullied me and were emotionally abusive; to this day, I repel any form of authoritativeness over my life.
- My Dad died ten years ago; it was so sudden that I got a panic attack and fainted at any funeral I attended after that, to this day I freak out at the smallest health-related issue my partner gets.
From the examples above, you can see how the past still affects me today; Yours will be different from mine because you had a unique experience growing up.
It might be helpful while you read this article to start thinking of experiences in your past in which you felt emotionally hurt.
Feel them as you were at that age; for example, if an experience bothered you at 10, you should feel it as you did at ten years old, not as you are now.
How the past affects the quality of your life and why moving on is a Must
Although there is wisdom to be gained from the past, painful experiences have the potential to derail the quality of your present, drain us of energy and hinder performance. Here is how;
Inability to enjoy the present moment
Dwelling on the past means replaying it in your mind out of fear that it will happen again, the problem with this is, your mind will be closed off to enjoying the present moment.
Research shows people are happiest in the present moment.
The past existed at some point, but right now, it doesn’t; this minute, it’s just a story.
Therefore, let go of the past.
Why would you let a story keep you from experiencing joy in the present?
Creating a Future Similar to your past
Your mind cannot differentiate between what is good or bad for you. It only responds to thought backed by the energy behind the thought. Quantum physics has shown this to be true.
Whatever you focus on grows, if your focus is on negative experiences, you will attract them back to you hence creating a future like your past.
Therefore, replaying the same painful experience in your mind attracts it back to you.
Guilt
Guilt and feelings of worthless spring from old regrets, if we suddenly lost our memory, we would feel no guilt, yet we would still be the same person.
Look at how quickly a toddler moves on from her mistakes!
I think it is our raw nature to move on from our mistakes quickly; of course, the only difference between a toddler and adult is that the adult learns from her mistakes.
So why not focus on learning from your mistakes instead of guilt?
Hallucinations
I don’t mean you will practically be hallucinating but rather projecting.
For example, in your generation, to be successful might have meant going to college, your child comes to you one day and announces they will not go to college.
You panic because you fear that they might not turn out to be successful.
If you haven’t resolved your past experiences surrounding the dreams you had for yourself, you might push them on your child.
It is a form of projection; I intentionally call it hallucinating because, in a way, it is, you think your child is yourself, instead of an individual with her dreams.
Projections keep you from creating open and authentic relationships.
Why hold on to pain
Lastly, for the simple reason, that old regrets are painful, unless you enjoy pain, it’s best to confront it and move forward.
Photo by @Chadknight
Now that we have seen a few reasons why moving on is a must, here are a few things to keep in mind before you begin letting go;
Forgiving Ourselves
If you are struggling to let go, check if there is a part of you that feels responsible for it in some way.
Is it something you did, maybe you felt too happy at a friend’s failure, perhaps you lied, let down your kids? Did you cheat on a spouse?
We all make mistakes; the only useful thing you can do is to learn from them.
Therefore, learn to forgive yourself for the past and continue to do so in the future.
Forgiving Our Parents
We were raised by imperfect adults who were also raised by imperfect adults.
Understanding that your parents did what they could with the skills they had makes it easy to feel compassion and forgive the adults in our lives for hurting us when we were most vulnerable.
Ignore People Who Hold The Past Against You
Letting go of the past brings resistance from those close to us.
When you decide to leave an abusive partner, for example, he might say; “you’ll never find anyone better” as a way to keep you hooked to the past.
Do not let that stop you from healing.
Practical Tips
Here are 5 Practical tips to help you let go of the past and move forward.
Sentence Completion
The following completion sentences can help you begin letting go;
One thing I would tell my child self is ….
And I think the experience this comes from is ….
One thing my younger self needs from me is….
And I think the experience this comes from is ….
One thing I think I am most offended about is
And I think the experience this comes from is ….
One thing I think I am most afraid of is ….
And I think it’s because of ….
An area I feel unworthy and lack confidence in is ….
And I think the experience this comes from is ….
The goal of sentence completion is to accept the facts about the experiences that are most painful to you.
You should complete the sentences every day for a week, writing down freely whatever comes to mind, review them at the end of the week.
On the review date, ask; If any of this is true, how is it affecting my life today, and how can I move forward?
Then write whatever answer comes to mind.
Meditation
Sit comfortably on the floor or chair, fully relaxed with your spine erect.
Make sure the place is quiet, and you will not be disturbed.
- Step 1: Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and become aware of your breath and of the present moment.
- Step 2: Bring the painful experience to mind and visualize what happened, feel all the emotions that you felt as if it were happening now. Notice where the feelings are in your body and remain aware of the thoughts that come up.
- Third Step: Come back to awareness of your breath and feel the safety of the Present moment, say to yourself the past is gone, it no longer exists, there is no judge, no more pain, I am safe.
- Fourth Step: Visualize a Future, where that painful experience no longer holds you back, visualize the freedom and happiness you feel, imagine all the awesome things you will be doing moving forward.
- Fifth Step: Breath and hug yourself, you are free, you got through it.
If you feel tempted to hold on, remind yourself that it is now a story; it is not real.
Write the experience down, then burn it
Write down the painful experience you want to let go in detail; visualize how you felt and feel all the emotions rise in your body.
It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable or worse while writing.
When you are done, burn the story. If you have a journal, write the lessons you learned from experience and let it go.
Seriously, let the past go. It does not serve any purpose now except holding you back.
Find a Support Group
Support groups are great if you are still struggling with trauma such as grief, rape, divorce, or even a breakup.
They are lots of great Facebook support groups for every experience, so find one. Like-minded people are excellent resources for the strength to move forward.
Therapy
Lastly, if you find none of these practices helpful, maybe it’s time to go to therapy.
Letting go of the past can feel like losing apart of your identity, but the only way to live a happier and more fulfilling life is to let go.
I hope you will choose to let that story go and build a new one, a happier one.
Love and Light,
Sania
Dailyzens.
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